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| I'm home! King's, all my misgivings are gone. One smell of the salt spray is all I need.
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Heading out to school again tomorrow morning. I'm ready. Whee! Halifax 8pm on Tuesday. | | |
| Happy 21st Birthday to Ryan Means, who probably still doesn't know who I am, but is allowed to have a good birthday nonetheless. :D
I'm feeling strangely hopeful and awake right now. That's really nice, because I've felt completely exhausted for the last few days. I went up to Ames to visit Beth on Tuesday night, and met a lot of her friends there. It really struck me how many Christians there are in her acquaintance at ISU. People just kept walking into the room and randomly mentioning how they're involved in various campus Christian groups...it shouldn't have been that surprising, but it was. And refreshing, really. And girltalk with Beth was so welcome. It's really nice to have someone who knows you like that, and who can offer candid Godly advice. I'm going to have to much much more of an effort this year to keep in contact with people back here, because I allowed myself to drift away in many ways last year, and it weakened me significantly. I hope I can be half as helpful to Beth and my other Stateside friends as they have been to me.
I feel a lot older tonight. I don't know why exactly, though I can think of a few factors. I don't mean old in terms of weariness and world-wear, but rather in maturity. I feel taller. Second year of university shouldn't be such a big deal, really, but I feel so much more prepared going into it this time. I have made several decisions in the last few days, and I feel like I have really taken responsibility for many aspects of my life for the first time. I know I would not have been able to do this a year ago, and I'm certainly not as far along as I ought to one day be, but for now I can take this step, and each one will take me closer to the woman I will someday be.
I wrote up my Walkhome proposal last night. I was exhausted and finally finished it around 2am, so it wasn't quite what it could have been, but I think it articulates many of the points I wanted to bring up. Walkhome is an organisation on King's campus that schedules at least two volunteers every night to operate as a team to walk people from the King's campus back to their houses or flats within a certain radius of the college, so they don't have to walk alone. It was begun last year during the second semester, and Walter did a wonderful job with it, but it's not very well known and therefore not much used, and a lot of students could be in danger as a result (a friend of mine got mugged in Halifax last year, maced in the face and beaten up pretty badly, and he's not a small guy). This year Walkhome needs to be much more organised, and I was asked to apply for the position of Walkhome director, who would oversee the programme, and in the case of this year, really form the programme.
I'm excited about it, and I have lots of ideas to get it out to more students and make it more effective and safe, but it's going to take an exhausting amount of work. The thing I am most worried about, however, is the safety of everyone involved. I realized today just how much prayer is going to factor into my life this school year. I am ashamed at how little I've been praying this summer, and that probably has a lot to do with why I'm feeling so distant from God right now. Next year I will always have the safety of at least three people on my mind, as they travel around a twilight Halifax. I will do everything I can to make this a positive experience for everyone, but there is always that danger. Only God can truly ensure that everyone stays well in the Walkhome programme next year, and it will be a constant reminder of how much I must rely on him.
I talked to my doctor this morning and told her about what was going to be stressful this year for me, especially Walkhome. It's really so wonderful to have a Christian doctor. She mentioned how this could be a method of ministry to the others at King's, a way for me to shine the light of Christ. It will involve so much giving, and it will require me to be strong to rise to that challenge. Only through relying on Christ will I be able to do that. I thought it would be draining--and really, it will be--but I will have a sanctuary, and I'd allowed myself to forget that.
Today I went to Des Moines with some friends, and as we were driving back in the dark I sat there looking out the window and praying for all my walkers next year--many of them people who haven't even heard of Walkhome yet, let alone want to volunteer. Every one of them will be a wonderful person who is willing to give up their time and take a risk to help someone else. It's really amazing to think that God already knows all that will happen with Walkhome next year, all the difficulties that will arise, and all the triumphs and acts of charity that will come to pass. I must put the Walkhome programme in His hands, and let him use it and me as a way of reaching out to King's. I write this here because I know that I will forget that, and I will get caught up in the excitement or the frustration, and I will think of myself as being the cornerstone of it all. The moment I let that become my focus, I will begin to fail.
To be techinical, I haven't actually gotten the position of Walkhome coordinator yet, and there is the possibility that they will make the final offer to someone else, but from what I can tell from my contacts at the Student Union there isn't a lot of competition (I was told submitting my resume to them was simply a formality, but then they wanted this proposal...). Then again, I could be very wrong. At the least, I will be giving a great amount of my time next year to this organisation, and I will do everything in my power to make it a ministry for the Lord, and a spiritual stretching point for myself.
I am so weak, Lord.
The Lord Almighty grant us a quiet night, and at the last, a perfect end, and the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, be with us all and forever more, Amen.
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| Link of the day: Firefox Crop Circle
Should be starting to pack right now, but instead I'm working on a Firefly music vid...no cookies for me.
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| This weekend was so wonderful. I've been feeling very alone in my faith lately, being one of only a handful Christian students on the King's campus, and the only one my age in my church, I really miss that Christian fellowship from others my age. Not just the serious stuff--the Bible studies and the discussions (which are wonderful!)--but the "real people" stuff, just hanging out and talking and having that Christian base underneath it all. I told myself it didn't make a difference, but this weekend has really shown me otherwise. It wasn't any one thing--seeing old friends, making new ones, having that Most Important Thing in common...I'm not articulating what I want to. Who'd have thought--words are always the thing I can rely on, but they completely fail me at something so basic. I spoke to a few friends from school tonight, and though we spent hours every day of the school year last year in the same rooms and classes, those friendships suddenly seem horribly empty. It feels...like I'm cheating on them by speaking as if nothing has happened, but nothing has happened, and everything has. I'm sounding dramatic. Bah.
I love King's, I really do, and I want to study Classics and Philosophy and English and the truly Great things in life, but even as I prepare to go back to the place that I truly feel is an inseparable part of me--not only King's, but Halifax and Maritime Canada in all--I feel a creeping reservation. Last year I showed up at school for the first time and hid in my room for about a month and a half, scared of the people outside, because it wasn't what I was used to. There was drinking, pot, and I didn't know how to deal with it. When I finally emerged--on an ultimated from my roommate--I stood up for myself, managed to become known as The Girl Who Won't Have Sex, was pounced upon for explanations when we read Job and Dante and The Origin of Species, was the Christian Girl. But that came with a whole new set of responsibilities. I couldn't mess up. Anything I did was Something Christians Did. And I was in my first year of university, far away from a family that no matter how much I ranted about had always been around when we went afarventuring, and suddenly wasn't anymore. I'd never admit to them that they were missed, and I threw myself into the the Great Books Programme and devoured the classical and medieval and early Renaissance stuff...and then, after Christmas, the world dropped out from under me, and God stopped factoring into the philosophy...and I could no longer explain things to people. I didn't know how people could come to such outrageous conclusions, how they could separate existence from God. Michelle from my tutorial was wonderful, and walked around and around Halifax with me, calming me down when it brought me to tears. I don't know why it hit me so hard then. It wasn't just the Enlightenment, but the wear of the university in general then. I felt so alone, and all this time Augustine and Aquinas and Dante had been supporting me, so it was okay to be alone in their company, but Hobbes and Rousseau afforded no such comfort. It didn't help that the one person on campus who understood what I was talking about in the long debates we'd have about the nature of Communion, God, and the Universe proved to be an arrogant prat. They aren't kidding when they say people are attracted to men like their fathers. I'm going to have to be much more careful about that kind of thing.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm looking forward to King's, really I am, but I know that there will be something missing there, and I got a glimpse of that something this weekend. More bonding with Beth--we can never get enough! And Taylar, and Ryan, and meeting Dan's PR group was great. These were men and women who were not alone, and it was wonderful to be not-alone with them. But of course, they had to leave again. I stuck around them as long as possible today, just to know that not-aloneness a little longer, and now I'm sitting here on my bed wiping away tears, just because people I barely know have gone about their normal routine. It's nonsensical, and I know that, but I dread that cold feeling that became all too familiar last year. It's sad when I can count the people my age I can go to at King's for Christian fellowship on one finger. I'm really hoping that I can find some Christian firsties this year and make them feel not-alone. I'm Treasurer at the chapel, and in the choir, so if any venture in I'll be sure to see them. I can only pray that I can be to someone else what nobody could be for me, and I'm afraid to say that I want that selfishly, because I need someone to take under my wing much more than anyone could need me.
If anyone's bothered to read to the end of this, I truly thank you. Nobody deserves to be subjected to the weak blatherings above. If anyone has time to send up a prayer for me on this, I would be grateful. It's something that's been heavy on my heart since about this time last year, and I don't know what to do about it. I know that people need to see Christians in the world, being not of the world, but it's so hard, and so lonely. We prayed and prayed for a Christian roommate for me last year, and instead I got one who would kick me out of the room when she was drunk and horny, and I would sit in the hallway for hours, trying to figure out what the Christian response should be. Evidently I didn't do my assignment well, because we "broke up" in November and I moved up a floor, to a friend's room, but a friend who was poking around with Wicca, and while we had a lot in common, once again we lacked this Most Important Thing.
I cannot possibly doubt God, because that is something as ingrained in me as the fact that the sun rises and fire burns--it would be impossible to deny. I do not doubt him, but I feel so far away from him. It is wonderful to take my prayer book, Bible, journal, and Bach out to the shore or the dock and be with Him, but it is numbing to live on that alone. When I am honestly the only person on campus who won't have sex before marriage--and am widely known to be so--when I am the one who passes on the joint because I won't have any...it's not Pella, it's not Cairo, it's not St. John's, it's not Boston, it's not Jerusalem, it's not Hamilton, it's not home. And it breaks my heart that a place and people that I love so much are not privy to this part of me. When realize how I felt more at home spiritually in Cairo with a mosque across the street shouting the call to prayer every day than I do in Halifax where there are steeples rising alonside the ships' masts...what has my world come to?
I feel like I"m being fake to everyone--pretending to be so Christian to the Halifolk, and
being so far behind the people back here... What would I give for it to be Saturday night again, or this afternoon again. But here I go, typing for hours about what I want. Why can't I read my own Xanga layout?
A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim
to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my
dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that
I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for Thee the hammer
holds The world is so much bigger than me, and I can't hold out alone. So why do You feel so far away?
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